Friends and relatives can be a wonderful source of support and inspiration for you. Some of them will show great sensitivity and understanding and will help you through trying times almost instinctively. Other people – most people, in fact – will look to you for direction. You must let them know that you value their friendship and company, and you must show them how they can support you when times are hard. If you must decline a social invitation because of your arthritis, be sure to let people know that you want to be included in future get-togethers.
Friends and relatives can also be a tremendous source of irritation. Remember, there are many, many people who do not know much about RA. Although most people mean well, they may say the wrong thing. Our recommendation is to use private humor as a way to cope with “the dumb comment” or the thoughtless statement. So, when someone makes a dumb comment, think about how you wish you could respond . . . then wait a few seconds . . . and instead make a constructive response to your friend or relative. Here are some ideas:
The should have comment: “You should have exercised more or you wouldn’t have arthritis.”
Think: “You should have gone to charm school.”
Say. “That’s an interesting hypothesis. Although exercise is important, its absence hasn’t been shown to be linked to the development of rheumatoid arthritis.”
The should comment: “You should drink six pints of apricot juice each day to cure your arthritis.”
Think: “You should learn that silence can be golden.” Say: “A balanced diet is very important for all people, including those with rheumatoid arthritis.”
The could have comment: “You should feel lucky, you could have developed cancer.”
Think: “I do feel lucky, you could have been someone whose opinion mattered to me.”
Say: “I do feel good that I have a condition I can cope with successfully.”
The I’ve got a relative with arthritis comment: “My third cousin twice removed has that kind of arthritis and she’s crippled.”
Think: “I wish you were twice removed from me.”
Say: “Did you know that there are more than one hundred types of arthritis? With early treatment and therapy, few people with arthritis today develop serious handicaps.”
The brilliant observer: “Did you know that your hands are swollen?” Think: “Thank you for the brilliant observation, Einstein.”
Say: “Yes, I did. Thank you for your concern.”
The doting relative: “Serve your sister her dinner! Can’t you see she has arthritis?”
Think: “Would you mind chewing and swallowing it for me, too?” Say: “Mom, I appreciate your concern, but I would really like to do the things I can do alone. There will be things I’ll need assistance with in the future, and I’m glad that I can count on all of you for your help.”
Get the idea? You’ll probably be surprised at the type of comment that will pop into your head in these circumstances. Thinking silently of a humorous response is a good way to ventilate your annoyance without alienating the person who makes a thoughtless comment. Remember, most people are trying to be supportive. Be patient and direct them in their efforts. Do not get angry or hurt. Use your energy to educate them about RA so that they don’t continue making senseless comments.
*64/209/5*